Posted tagged ‘Tango Vader’

January 27th-Ask Tango

January 28, 2010

So Tango has received a lot of emailed messages, asking for his advice in certain situations.  Tango is more than willing to help.  For entertainment, I will post a few of the letters now.

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Hey Tango, I got a question for ya’.  For the past year and a half, I’ve been basically handling two positions for my company.  When they fired the last guy, they never hired anyone else and just dumped his responsibilities on me.  I’m thriving in both roles, but I’m feeling myself getting burned out, mainly because my pay didn’t increase.  I know these are tough times and my company has been cutting back.  Do you think I should risk asking them for a raise?

Thanks

John P.

Mr. John P.  It is obvious that your company thinks you are a panzy.  The only time you should strive to do the work of two men is in the bedroom.  However, if you must continue this path, by all means pursue the raise in salary.  Tonight, eat twenty-two bean burritos.  Go to work tomorrow and enter your boss’s office.  Once inside, lock the door and let go of a fart.  Threaten to continue farting until your demands are met.  This will work my friend.

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Tango, I think I have a crush on my wife’s best friend.  She flirts with me a lot.  What should I do?

Harry C.

Harry, You do not want to do anything that you are going to end up regretting.  Trust Tango, if you do not sleep with your wife’s friend, you are going to regret it for the rest of your life.

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My wife and I have been married for 10 years, but I think she’s having an affair.  Should I confront her?

Mike S.

Your wife is having an affair…with Tango.  Just accept it, for these things are inevitable.

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I am a sophomore in college (pre-med) and I have been working at a stripclub to earn extra money.  It has always been my dream to be a doctor, but lately I have been thinking about maybe becoming a porn star.  Do you think this is a wise move?

Katherine J.

You are obviously a bright, intelligent woman with a lot to offer the world besides just a pretty face, and the last thing you want to do is to allow those things to get in the way of a promising career in porn.

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Hey dude.  I’m usually not into guys, but I find myself obsessing over you.  I think you’re very handsome and just dripping with charisma.  Do you think it would be possible for us to meet for dinner and drinks?

Christopher Knight

Tango is a friend to all.  Please, send me a picture of you along with your address, so that Tango may send someone to kill you.

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Hello Tango, I am a published author and am so lonely.  As a published author, I try to make friends but people often misunderstand my intentions and I end up alienating people.  I really am a sweet lady, a published author, who just wants to see others reach their full potential.  I enjoys long walks at the park, sunsets, being condescending and eating charcoal.  Is there hope for me as a published author to find friends in 2010?

P.S.

Would you be my friend?

Thanks, Lynne P.B. (Published Author)

Lynne, to answer your last question, do not be silly.  Tango is a friend to all, but even Tango has standards.  And for your first question, do not worry about this.  These people are just being judgmental and making jokes about you because they are frustrated.  That is right.  You frustrate people.  It is irritating Tango just to write a response to you.   However, Tango knows that everyone deserves friendship.     Please do not let your delusions, your backwards logic or those wooden teeth deter you from your goal.  Get up tomorrow, put a smile on your face and by all means, do not be afraid to walk out into traffic and offer a hug to the first 18-wheeler that comes your way.

P.S.

Thank you for sending Tango a copy of your book.  Tango did not read your book.  But he is pretty sure it was a boring peice of shit.  

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Tango will post more letters soon, so please keep them coming.  Be well my friends.  And remember, “If Tango would not approve, do not make the move.”

January 20th-Very Bad Things

January 21, 2010

 

Tango was watching the Oprah program and noticed that people are always asking her advice as to what to purchase.  These people seem to not know what to spend their money on, so Tango decided to help as well, for Tango is a friend to all and knows such things.

However, Tango feels that the problem is not about what to buy.  You buy what you like, yes?  You should be warned about what not to waste your time and money on for that is the real problem.  You do not want to invest your energy in things that are bullshit.   Trust Tango knows this because he once invested in Katie Couric’s Rap music career.   She has no visible tattoos, no street cred and has never been shot.  It was a waste of time my friends.

Tango will let you know of such things to avoid so that you are not confused, yes?  Yes.

Please see Tango’s latest list of ‘Very Bad Things’.

 

1.  Late night TV Talk show Hosts

These people are a waste of time with bad political jokes, stupid questions and bad hair.  We do not need them to ask questions to celebrities.  You should get all celebrity news from the ‘E’ channel and TMZ.  If you want to see stupid pet tricks, you can watch American Idol my friend.

 

2.  The “Snuggie”.

You have seen the stupid commercials for this.  This is a complete waste of money as Tango knows you can get the same effect with a jacket or by wearing a bathrobe backwards.  Please do not purchase this and go to sporting events, as it will only serve to make you look like a group of homosexual monks.

 

3. Any Keanu Reeves movie that is not the Matrix Trilogy.

Yes, he has a cool name.  Yes, he has the eyes of a 15 year-old girl.  The problem is, most of his movies require him to speak.  In his next role, if he is playing an inanimate object like a lampost, a coffee table or a spot of urine in an alley, I can see the Oscar nomination for him.  Until such a time, Tango will pass.  And so should you.

 

4. Cheap ass Condoms.

This is a big mistake my friend.  One that you only need to make one time to feel the effect.  Compare the pennies in savings to 18 years of child support payments, daily HIV cocktails, and the trauma of being forever connected to that drunken nag-hag you took home from the bar one night.

Tango feels that if you buy these cheap lover-covers, you would be better off just coating your penis with Pam cooking spray.  Tango uses only the best; lamb skin condoms.  I have a nice lady that skins the lambs for me every morning as Tango runs through these pretty quickly. 

 

5.  Beers with gimmick flavors.

A real beer does not need a gimmick to make it sweeter my friend.  If you like crap like blueberries and orange flavor added in your ale, you are a panzy.  An occasional lime or a slice of scorpion tail in a Corona is acceptable from time to time, but a real man does not buy beverages with these things already in the brew.  It is sacriledge my friend.  And trust Tango, these beers taste like shit.

 

6.  The Detroit Lions and the L.A. Clippers

Do you know how bad you have to be to lose every contest in a 16 game season?  Lions fan know this.  Ever since Barry Sanders retired, this team has ruined every Sunday in Motown.  And to make this worse, once a year, they get to ruin our Thanksgiving because the NFL seems to think that watching them fumble, throw interceptions and miss tackles for 3 hours is “must see TV”.   The favorite chant from the cheerleaders is “1-2-3.  Don’t Leave!” and if not for the Houston Texans, they would have the worst uniforms in football.  They are so bad, Tango feels that the 5 worst players should to be fed to actual lions after every loss.  Tango would watch that.

The Clippers?  My friend, this is bad.  How bad do you have to be that you don’t even get your own stadium?  On the list of ‘Fun Things to do in L.A.” the Clippers are dead last, behind a trip to the DMV, mediating a dispute between the Bloods and Crips and Paris Hilton.  It is so bad that instead of parking citations, cops attach ‘mandatory attendance’ Clippers tickets to your windshield.

 

7.  Breast implants

Tango understands the pressure that our women are under to look beautiful, but the most attractive things about a woman are not the physical traits, but it is her God given qualities and the way she carries herself, no?

Do not misunderstand Tango, for a nice set of pillows is a good thing my friend.  But paying some asshole to tear into your flesh and carve you up like a peice of steak, this is not the path to happiness, higher self esteem or a night with Tango. 

Nor is it wise.  For you may have been hoping to look like this:

 

But most times you end up like this:

Or this:

So please.  Follow the advise for Tango.  He has slept with many small chested women.  It is not a bad thing.  Be happy with what you have.  Tango will take care of the rest.

This concludes my list for today.  Please, check back with Tango as this will be updated from time to time with new ‘Very Bad Things’.

Until then, be well my friend.  And remember, if Tango would not approve, do not make the move.

Tango will be pleased.

January 18th, 2010-The Columbian Girl

January 20, 2010

January 18th, 2010

So Tango finds himself at the mall to pick out a replacement pair of shades and to see if “He’s Just Not That into you” is in stock at the local DVD shoppe. 

 

 When suddenly, from the corner of his eyes, Tango sees a stunning brunette with skin of caramel and the hips of a belly dancer, without the big belly of course.

She is standing outside of Victoria’s expensive ladies underwear store, holding a bag and chatting away on her cellular phone.  A sweet smile adorns her thin but pillowy lips.  She is wearing a dark dress and matching heels, her long hair stopping just above her ample buttocks.

Tango makes his move, slow but deliberate in her direction and our eyes meet for a soft second before she purposely looks away.  It is okay my friend for Tango is used to this.  It is the nervousness of being confronted with Tango all at once.  As I step closer, her perfume falls into my nostrils and I breathe her and at once Tango is knowing her.  She looks at me again and now there is but a mere two feet between us.

Her eyes are maple brown, soft and full.  She looks at me as if to speak, but Tango must speak first.

“Hello Madame, would it be possible to have your name?”

“Excuse me?” she said with irritation in her eyes.  “I’m on the phone.  What do you want?”

“Forgive me for the intrusion.  Is that a boyfriend?  A lover perhaps?”

“None of your business!  How rude.”

“Please forgive my interruption.  You are correct, this is awkward for you.  I should have waited for you to end your call, but it is not often I see such beauty in a common place such as this.”

“Oh my God, I think he’s trying to come on to me.” she said into her phone.  I looked into her eyes with my hands inside my pockets, pulling my slacks tightly against my groin, so that she could witness my magnificent package.  Her eyes found their target and Tango knew what she was thinking.

“Call him back.  He will understand.”

She hesitated, eyes still fixed to the magic space.  Tango reached over and took the phone from her hand.  “Hello my friend.  She will call you later, but not tonight. She has plans for tonight.  Uh huh.   Okay.  No I cannot do that, but this is fine, Tango will tell her.  Goodbye my friend.”

“Tango?” she said.

“Yes.  Please, I did not catch your name.”

“Morissa.”

“Morissa.  How fitting to have a name as adorable as the nipples that are now peaking through your outfit.”

She looked down embrassed but Tango assured her these things are inevitable.  I looked at her bag and extended my hand.  “May I?”

She handed me the bag and I laid eyes on the lace thong and matching bra.  Tango smiled and she bit her lip.

“Would it be possible, to see these things on you, later tonight, before I rip them off with my teeth?  I asked.  “Afterwards we can drink Tequila and Coca Cola without the Coca Cola, yes?”

“Wow, I can’t believe I’m agreeing to do this with a complete stranger but I feel as though—”

“You’ve known me all your life?  You have, but you did not know that you knew until this moment.  For in this moment you are reborn, as a lover of Tango.”

I placed her fingers in my mouth and tasted the sweetness of her fingers and toxicity of her nail polish.  Her knees buckled from orgasm.  The first of many to come.

“What is that scent you are wearing?  It’s so mesmerizing.”

“Tango does not buy cologne.  He makes it, in his home.  What you are smelling is a mixture of chipotle sauce and my own sweat.  I call it, Essence of Tango.”

She was in Tango’s hands now.  I very carefully placed my hand against her bottom and leaned in for a kiss.  She swallowed her chewing gum and accepted Tango’s tongue.  After several seconds of this embrace, Tango knew that she regularly brushed and flossed.  Tango was pleased.

“Shall we go?” I asked.  “Tango knows a great place for good conversation and exquisite wine.  I have already made reservations because there is usually a line to get in.”

“Okay.  Where are we going?”

“My bedroom.” 

That night Tango sampled her pleasures many times over as we listened to the rain outside my balcony, our bodies intertwined on the floor like maggots fighting over a rotted carcass.  After pausing to watch sportscenter, Tango fed her oranges, carefully licking the juice from the corner of her beautiful mouth, savoring the scent of our citrus sex.

As she lay with her head in my lap, watching the Drew Barrymore movie, Tango stroked her long hair with his fingers.  She farted, silent but deadly and asked forgiveness, but Tango assured her that these things are inevitable.  Soon she drifted to sleep, on a pillow of my genitals.

Tango learned two things from this night so he would advise you to take note.  Underwear is tough to bite through without using a knife to make a starter point, and never serve a woman beans as part of dinner.

Overall, Tango was pleased my friend.

Who is Tango Vader?

January 19, 2010

Tango felt it necessary to give you a little background so that you do not worry about who Tango is.

Tango is everyone.

Tango has been referred to as several things; homewrecker, womanizer, playboy, international crime lord, ex-porn star, but Tango prefers to think of himself as a connoisseur of life and lifestyles.  For you see, all that Tango does is be Tango in every situation, as you should always be true to yourselves.  Tango dances the dance that most choose to sit out for fear of making a fool of themselves or not knowing the moves.  But Tango knows, that once you join the dance, the moves are whatever you say they are.

What does Tango do?

Tango travels the world, often in the company of beautiful women of all races, backgrounds and cup size.  Tango eats the most equisite food the world has to offer.  Have you ever had organic tiger shrimp (farm raised on a diet of  the rarest virgin olive oil and caviar) dipped in a lemon butter sauce seasoned with flakes of Indonesian chocolate and Halle Berry’s sweat?  Tango has. 

In fact, Tango is one of only two people known to man that has ever tasted a Saber Tooth loin chop.  The other is a man who lived over 10,000 years ago, and currently resides in the Smithsonian.  His frozen corpse was discovered during an archeological expedition in Northern Europe, which ironicly, Tango was a part of.

Tango likes cigars.  Tango smokes the most expensive cigars known to man.  He used to smoke the second most expensive cigars known to man until he motivated the man who made those cigars to kill the man who made the most expensive cigars known to man.

Tango likes clothes.  Tango’s clothes are custom made by the world’s most famous designers.  Once a month these designers are flown to a secret location and forced to sit in a room and bounce ideas off of each other until Tango is pleased.  They are then forced to create these designs by hand while chained to each other.  They have to work around the clock with one hour for lunch and bathroom breaks.  During this break, they have to feed each other while blindfolded.

Tango likes spacious homes.  Tango has several residences around the world.  One is an isolated villa on the outskirts of the ‘real’ city of Paris, (located miles away from the ‘fake’ city of Paris that was constructed many years ago for American tourists). 

Tango likes cars.  All of his cars are custom made with no gas tanks.  They are fueled by a combination of his sex appeal, confidence and his overall satisfaction with the size of his penis.

Tango likes women.  Tango has made love to more women, in more exotic locations  than Ann Coulter.  His pick up line is “Your husband does not need to know.”  Unfortunately, as many have discovered, this line only works for Tango and Dr. Phil.  Once women make love with Tango, they are forever changed, becoming more aware of themselves sexually and politically.  One female (who we will not name here) described sex with Tango as, “…nothing less than a religious experience.”  This full lipped woman went on to a career as a famous actress and along with her handsomely dimwitted, backwards-aging, “actor” companion, has adopted many ethnic children from around the world.

Tango despises money.  Though he is immeasurably wealthy, he pays for everything with his charisma.  Most times, once he is recognized, he is not asked to pay, but rather apologized to, for the ignorance of not recognizing him sooner.

Tango does it big.  If you are fortunate enough to find yourself at a party with Tango it is because Tango allowed it.  If you are invited to a party and are told that Tango will be there, you are being lied to.  Tango never announces where he will be, he just arrives…fashionably late.  After Tango arrives, no one else can be admitted.  When Tango leaves, the guests must be dismissed.  Because after Tango leaves…there is no point.

A few notes:

Tango’s permanent U.S. address is in Las Vegas, in a zip code created just for Tango.

Tango gives relationship and motivational advice as a service to all.  He feels an obligation to help those who are in the unfortunate situation of not being Tango.

Anytime you do what is necessary you are said to be ‘Going Tango’.  This also refers to the act of opening your front door in the nude.

Tango appreciates the many women that have gotten his name tattooed on their various body parts.  If you are a man that notices that your wife has Tango’s name across her ass, do not argue.  Accept it.  Compliment her on her taste and proceed to having the best sex you’ve ever experienced.

Tango often refers to himself in third person.  But unlike most people who do this to make themselves feel more important, Tango does it to make you feel less important.

Tango is on facebook.  He does not refuse friend requests, because Tango is a friend to all.

Tango is the *asterisk* in wedding vows.