Posted tagged ‘infidelity’

Who is Tango Vader?

January 19, 2010

Tango felt it necessary to give you a little background so that you do not worry about who Tango is.

Tango is everyone.

Tango has been referred to as several things; homewrecker, womanizer, playboy, international crime lord, ex-porn star, but Tango prefers to think of himself as a connoisseur of life and lifestyles.  For you see, all that Tango does is be Tango in every situation, as you should always be true to yourselves.  Tango dances the dance that most choose to sit out for fear of making a fool of themselves or not knowing the moves.  But Tango knows, that once you join the dance, the moves are whatever you say they are.

What does Tango do?

Tango travels the world, often in the company of beautiful women of all races, backgrounds and cup size.  Tango eats the most equisite food the world has to offer.  Have you ever had organic tiger shrimp (farm raised on a diet of  the rarest virgin olive oil and caviar) dipped in a lemon butter sauce seasoned with flakes of Indonesian chocolate and Halle Berry’s sweat?  Tango has. 

In fact, Tango is one of only two people known to man that has ever tasted a Saber Tooth loin chop.  The other is a man who lived over 10,000 years ago, and currently resides in the Smithsonian.  His frozen corpse was discovered during an archeological expedition in Northern Europe, which ironicly, Tango was a part of.

Tango likes cigars.  Tango smokes the most expensive cigars known to man.  He used to smoke the second most expensive cigars known to man until he motivated the man who made those cigars to kill the man who made the most expensive cigars known to man.

Tango likes clothes.  Tango’s clothes are custom made by the world’s most famous designers.  Once a month these designers are flown to a secret location and forced to sit in a room and bounce ideas off of each other until Tango is pleased.  They are then forced to create these designs by hand while chained to each other.  They have to work around the clock with one hour for lunch and bathroom breaks.  During this break, they have to feed each other while blindfolded.

Tango likes spacious homes.  Tango has several residences around the world.  One is an isolated villa on the outskirts of the ‘real’ city of Paris, (located miles away from the ‘fake’ city of Paris that was constructed many years ago for American tourists). 

Tango likes cars.  All of his cars are custom made with no gas tanks.  They are fueled by a combination of his sex appeal, confidence and his overall satisfaction with the size of his penis.

Tango likes women.  Tango has made love to more women, in more exotic locations  than Ann Coulter.  His pick up line is “Your husband does not need to know.”  Unfortunately, as many have discovered, this line only works for Tango and Dr. Phil.  Once women make love with Tango, they are forever changed, becoming more aware of themselves sexually and politically.  One female (who we will not name here) described sex with Tango as, “…nothing less than a religious experience.”  This full lipped woman went on to a career as a famous actress and along with her handsomely dimwitted, backwards-aging, “actor” companion, has adopted many ethnic children from around the world.

Tango despises money.  Though he is immeasurably wealthy, he pays for everything with his charisma.  Most times, once he is recognized, he is not asked to pay, but rather apologized to, for the ignorance of not recognizing him sooner.

Tango does it big.  If you are fortunate enough to find yourself at a party with Tango it is because Tango allowed it.  If you are invited to a party and are told that Tango will be there, you are being lied to.  Tango never announces where he will be, he just arrives…fashionably late.  After Tango arrives, no one else can be admitted.  When Tango leaves, the guests must be dismissed.  Because after Tango leaves…there is no point.

A few notes:

Tango’s permanent U.S. address is in Las Vegas, in a zip code created just for Tango.

Tango gives relationship and motivational advice as a service to all.  He feels an obligation to help those who are in the unfortunate situation of not being Tango.

Anytime you do what is necessary you are said to be ‘Going Tango’.  This also refers to the act of opening your front door in the nude.

Tango appreciates the many women that have gotten his name tattooed on their various body parts.  If you are a man that notices that your wife has Tango’s name across her ass, do not argue.  Accept it.  Compliment her on her taste and proceed to having the best sex you’ve ever experienced.

Tango often refers to himself in third person.  But unlike most people who do this to make themselves feel more important, Tango does it to make you feel less important.

Tango is on facebook.  He does not refuse friend requests, because Tango is a friend to all.

Tango is the *asterisk* in wedding vows.