December 4th, 2012 – And so he returns…

Yes, it is he.  Tango has been away for far too long.  He would tell you all of the places he has been, but it is of little consequence.  Just know that people were killed, violently and often, as is my way.  And if anyone is a friend or relative of a balding, fat, account executive named Kenny, who lives lived in Tampa with his wife Alyssa, in the beige colored house with the circular driveway, allow Tango to just say he is so very sorry.  For I was told he wouldn’t be home until five.

Blame the woman, for had she been on top (forward cow-girl as I suggested), perhaps I would have noticed his heart attack the moment he burst in on me and Alyssa, and could have performed some sort of CPR.   But she insisted that Tango climb on top of her and as she put it, “make me forget about the last 12 years of depression, lifeless sex and dinners at the Golden Corral!” And Tango did just that.  Meanwhile, she had to be aware of what was happening behind us, yet she clung ever so tightly to Tango’s thrusting hips even as her husband was convulsing on their bedroom floor.

Unfortunately, by the time Tango had finished with her, taken a shower, watched an episode of “The Walking Dead”, had more sex, finished the sandwich she prepared for him, scolded her for putting too much mustard on the sandwich and dialed 911 on his cellphone  it was too late for the poor sap.  He passed away, foaming at the mouth, clutching his chest with one hand and clawing the carpet with the other.  It was as if he were trying to communicate something to us.  Alas, if only there had been more time.

funeral

Oh well, I guess it was… inevitable, as most things are when it comes to Tango.

That being said, so much has happened since Tango last made an appearance on his blog, but I think most of it can be summed up with a few highlights:

 

This guy lost…

Romney1

 

Which also meant this guy lost…

ryan2

 

Meanwhile, this guy got played…

Humphrieskimk2

Humphrieskimk1

 

And this guy…he just fucked up.  Big time.

petraeus1

 

Oh, and this chick…

kstew1

…earned my respect.

Kstew2

Yes.  I said it.  ‘Respect’.

Tango knows how you all feel about this woman and what she did.  But it must be said that 90% of you K-Stew haters are just disillusioned 35 year-old women wishing they could hit restart on their life console and go back to their twenties or you’re a bunch of fawning 16-24 year-olds doped up on a lethal combo of sugar and fansite message boards. In either case, you’re probably just wishing that Robert Pattison dude wanted to accept your flimsy apology for making him look like a clueless mark, take you back to his fancy coffin and fuck you every day.  He doesn’t.

And you hate her because she’s the one he does want to sink his metaphorical fangs into every night.  That’s right, while you’re curled up in bed with your cheetos and half touching/not touching your self ‘down there’ while you watch ‘New Moon’ for the 164th time, she’s getting the real deal.  And you HATE her for it.  In fact, Tango is really, really, really shocked, that Ms. Kristen hasn’t been assassinated by a rabid fan yet.  Or at least involved in a hair pulling episode on a Jerry Springer-esque daytime show.

springer

You K-Stew haters have no ambition.

But let us analyze what she really did.  Okay.  She fucked a married dude.  That’s pretty cold.  Especially since the wife has to see the other woman’s vapid face slapped on the posters promoting the husband’s latest and most buzzworthy project ever.  (The red carpet at the premiere must have sucked too.)  It’s one thing to know the bitch your husband was cheating with.  It’s another to have to see her on every magazine rack at the grocery store.  And even worse if you have kids.   Imagine this scene playing out as you wheel the cart up to the checkout:

“Mommy!  Mommy!” (pointing to copy of ‘US Weekly’) “Is that the lady that Daddy fucked?”

“Timmy!  What did I tell you about using that word?”

“Sorry.  Is that the home-wrecking, flat-chested, no-talent, slut that Daddy fucked?”

“Yes.  Yes it is.”

And for most of you, the worst part of it…

is that she cheated on this guy.

walken

Oh, wait.  Sorry.  That’s either a computer generated projection of what his character in Twilight would really look like if he hadn’t been bitten by a vamp to get around that whole ‘aging’ thing, or a stock photo of Christopher Walken.

Let’s try again.

She cheated on this guy.

pattison

There’s no excuse for it.  It was wrong.  Not because you think he’s ‘hot’ and sensitive and would probably be so into your secret notebook of poetry.  It was wrong because Ms. Stewart did a bad thing.  Tango would never recommend cheating and getting caught.  But I will submit that perhaps she didn’t do it to hurt the Rob dude or to break up a marriage.  Tango honestly believes, that she banged that married man…for you.

“For us?”  I can hear all of you sighing in disbelief.  “The nerve!  She’s a cheating trampyre  and doesn’t deserve a nice guy like him.  How dare you defend her!”

Calm down.  It will be explained.

Most of us will never relate to what it must be like to be the main character in an insanely popular, blockbuster franchise.  And believe it or not, that’s a good thing.  Partly because most of you wouldn’t look too hot with your pimpled face plastered on 50-foot billboards (sorry).  And mostly because regardless of what we’d like to believe, we’d hate it.  Not the money part, the ‘OMG-I-can’t-leave-my-fucking-house-without-some-jackoff-snapping-a-fucking-still-photo’ part.

“Tough” sez you?  “She’s not the first celeb to get a little attention!  And it still doesn’t make what she did right.”

You’re right, except that she’s not getting Catherine Zeta-Jones type attention.  This is some serious ‘Princess Diana/Michael Jackson kiddie-rape-case” type coverage.  More like Jennifer Aniston times ‘fuck-you-I-can’t-count-that-high’.  It’s a freight train.  And unlike any of those other actresses out there, it’s not even about her.  It’s about a dim-witted character she plays in a MOVIE.

Now chew on that.  Does Jennifer Aniston get hounded because people can’t believe ‘Rachel’ from ‘Friends’ is standing like 10 literal feet away from them?  No.  She at least gets the courtesy of being ‘J-to-tha-A’.  Meanwhile, no matter what other roles she plays, now matter how many Jimmy Kimmel interviews she does, no matter how many shades of ‘Sunset Auburn’ she dyes her hair, to all of you, Kristen Stewart is Bella fuckin’ Swan.  Period.

And she’s fucking sick of it.

And not only does she have to be the uber-vulnerable, self-esteem-crushing-relationship dependent character in her movies 24-7/365, but some idiots can’t imagine her being with any other dude except…you guessed it:  the other main character in her movies.  Some of you are actually hoping and praying that they stay *gasp* together forever, even if he’s a dick or (just brainstorming here) is secretly gay.  And not just hoping, but watching, weirdly watching.  Google “Rob and Kristen”, click any of the links and read the comments.  After five minutes, (if your head hasn’t exploded) come back and finish the rest of this post.  Go ahead.  Tango will wait.

See?  Sick huh?

I used to think her blank expression in those Twilight movies was just shitty acting.  Now, I’m starting to believe that you ‘Twi-Hards’ (as I hear you like to be called), have driven this chick borderline insane.

And it’s not just her real relationship that people are obsessed over.

Think about it; ‘Twit-wits’ have actually been known to come to blows over whether she should have chosen the wolf-boy on steroids or a lanky metro-sexual with fangs.  This would be silly enough if it were, say…real life.  But this is a FICTIONAL choice.  Not only that, but it’s not like you’re even trying to influence the scriptwriters or even the author of the books.  The stupid books were published before you even knew vampires could sparkle.  That’s right, the thing you kids on ‘Stupid Team Jacob’ and ‘Stupid Team Edward’ are arguing over HAS ALREADY BEEN DECIDED.  And in movie years, it was decided EONS ago.

TWI-HARD RESPONSE:  “Oh we know that.  We just like showing support for one of our favorite characters, even if he doesn’t get the girl.  We’re just having fun with it.”

Really?  Okay.  Then I’m just having fun with the ending of ‘Titanic’ when I wear my “TEAM: The-boat-doesn’t-sink-after-all” T-Shirt.

And I know some of you are saying, “That was soooooo 4 movies ago.  No one is still doing the ‘Team Edward/Jacob’ thing anymore.”

Bullshit.

It’s over for us.  She, on the other hand, has to relive it every time she runs into one of you.  Imagine going to a restaurant and having to wonder if your waitress is spitting in your iced-tea for not picking the beefy ethnic looking boy.

The point is, the Twilight craziness has gone too far for too long (5 films?  Geesh.), and our type cast heroine is caught in the middle of Hurricane force fan-dom.  Again, not saying she’s a pure victim.  After all, she didn’t have to sleep with her co-star, (or did she?  Perhaps the whole relationship was just a greedy evil plot by the filmmakers to milk even more money out of the franchise…hmmm)  But whatever the case, it’s clear that she wants out.

She’s had enough.  Enough of the touring, and holding hands with a man she can’t leave for fear that one of her devoted fans will commit suicide.  Enough of the dolls, fan-fiction, posters, coloring books, Halloween costumes, porn-parodies, and the ‘behind-the-scenes’ DVD commentary where she has to pretend that THIS cast and THIS filming experience was so much more fun than even the last one was.

Remember in ‘The Dark Knight’, how Alfred tried to explain to Bruce Wayne why the mob joined forces with the Joker?

“They were desperate.  And in their desperation, they turned to a man they didn’t fully understand.”

alfred

That’s K-Stew.  Except it wasn’t Rupert Sanders she didn’t understand.  I’m sure she knew he just wanted to bang Bella Swan from Forks.

It was you she didn’t understand.

She has no clue why little girls want to be her and why every geeky kid who draws his own comic books wants to marry her.  She’s got little blonde girls dying their hair dark, staring at everyone with that trademark empty, vacant look in their eyes and believing that even at 14, their life is incomplete unless they can ignore their parents and run away with the mysterious, brooding loser boy that can’t finish high school.

She’d seen enough.  It had gone too far.  Twilight was becoming a religion.  Sooooo… she did the only thing she could think of to slow it the fuck down.  Out of desperation, she fucked a married man.  Not only that…

—She made sure YOU knew about it.

shocked

“Oh, the Horror!”

Think about it.  How much fucking do you think goes on in Hollywood?  (If I am to believe the fictional HBO show “Entourage’, a whole shitload of a hell of a lot).  Yet we rarely see it sprayed across the front page of magazines.   In fact, I’m sure George Clooney is beast-fucking some married A-List actress right now.  But you won’t see any photos of them sitting in a restaurant sharing googly eyes or dry-humping each other on a partly sunny day in the park.  I wonder why?  Could it be because they aren’t stupid enough to do anything in public that would lead to them getting caught?  Hmmmm.  Imagine that.  Discretion.

Meanwhile, K-Stew flaunted her so-called ‘secret’ relationship right out in the open.  One of the five most recognizable women in the world, just decides to sleep around on her man in plain sight?  Seriously?  Not only was she not discrete, K-Stew did everything short of wink for the camera in those poses.

kstewsheat

Which leads to the obvious truth…

She wanted you to know.

She planned and was looking forward to all of it; the photos, the venom, but most of all, YOU not loving her.  Your love is toxic.  It’s suffocating.  The chick couldn’t breathe.  She couldn’t be who the fuck she wanted to be.  So in her desperation, she turned to a solution maybe she didn’t fully understand the ramifications of, but deemed necessary.  She fired a warning shot, to you and perhaps even to Robert.  She did something to remind us all that Bella Swan is fictional.  And even if it meant making a fool of a middle aged poon-hound. making a cuckold out of her creepy-corpse-eyed co-star and possibly ruining a woman’s marriage (Don’t forget that good ole’ Rupert’s wife did get to find out that her husband is apparently a sleaze.  Knowledge is power, especially in divorce proceedings.), the calculating diva formerly-known-as-America’s-undead-wet-dream was willing to sacrifice them all for the greater good.  Casualties be damned, you all had to wake the fuck up and realize the truth—Kristen Stewart, (not that Bella bitch), is the real person and you don’t control K-Stew.  And you sure as fuck don’t own her.  Not anymore.

She’s telling all of you, that even though you’d rather she be more like this…

K-Stew innocent

In real life, she’s closer to this…

Kristen Stewart New hair cut 6.8.09C

So despite what others may believe, Tango thinks that this cry for help affair was just her way of saying, though I appreciate all of you, at the end of the day I’m just a human being with the same flaws, insecurities and right to privacy as everyone else.

Or as the great Liz Lemon would say,

liz

“Suck it Nerds!”

P.S.

This chick better get ready…

katniss

“Do I look worried?”

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