January 20th-Very Bad Things

 

Tango was watching the Oprah program and noticed that people are always asking her advice as to what to purchase.  These people seem to not know what to spend their money on, so Tango decided to help as well, for Tango is a friend to all and knows such things.

However, Tango feels that the problem is not about what to buy.  You buy what you like, yes?  You should be warned about what not to waste your time and money on for that is the real problem.  You do not want to invest your energy in things that are bullshit.   Trust Tango knows this because he once invested in Katie Couric’s Rap music career.   She has no visible tattoos, no street cred and has never been shot.  It was a waste of time my friends.

Tango will let you know of such things to avoid so that you are not confused, yes?  Yes.

Please see Tango’s latest list of ‘Very Bad Things’.

 

1.  Late night TV Talk show Hosts

These people are a waste of time with bad political jokes, stupid questions and bad hair.  We do not need them to ask questions to celebrities.  You should get all celebrity news from the ‘E’ channel and TMZ.  If you want to see stupid pet tricks, you can watch American Idol my friend.

 

2.  The “Snuggie”.

You have seen the stupid commercials for this.  This is a complete waste of money as Tango knows you can get the same effect with a jacket or by wearing a bathrobe backwards.  Please do not purchase this and go to sporting events, as it will only serve to make you look like a group of homosexual monks.

 

3. Any Keanu Reeves movie that is not the Matrix Trilogy.

Yes, he has a cool name.  Yes, he has the eyes of a 15 year-old girl.  The problem is, most of his movies require him to speak.  In his next role, if he is playing an inanimate object like a lampost, a coffee table or a spot of urine in an alley, I can see the Oscar nomination for him.  Until such a time, Tango will pass.  And so should you.

 

4. Cheap ass Condoms.

This is a big mistake my friend.  One that you only need to make one time to feel the effect.  Compare the pennies in savings to 18 years of child support payments, daily HIV cocktails, and the trauma of being forever connected to that drunken nag-hag you took home from the bar one night.

Tango feels that if you buy these cheap lover-covers, you would be better off just coating your penis with Pam cooking spray.  Tango uses only the best; lamb skin condoms.  I have a nice lady that skins the lambs for me every morning as Tango runs through these pretty quickly. 

 

5.  Beers with gimmick flavors.

A real beer does not need a gimmick to make it sweeter my friend.  If you like crap like blueberries and orange flavor added in your ale, you are a panzy.  An occasional lime or a slice of scorpion tail in a Corona is acceptable from time to time, but a real man does not buy beverages with these things already in the brew.  It is sacriledge my friend.  And trust Tango, these beers taste like shit.

 

6.  The Detroit Lions and the L.A. Clippers

Do you know how bad you have to be to lose every contest in a 16 game season?  Lions fan know this.  Ever since Barry Sanders retired, this team has ruined every Sunday in Motown.  And to make this worse, once a year, they get to ruin our Thanksgiving because the NFL seems to think that watching them fumble, throw interceptions and miss tackles for 3 hours is “must see TV”.   The favorite chant from the cheerleaders is “1-2-3.  Don’t Leave!” and if not for the Houston Texans, they would have the worst uniforms in football.  They are so bad, Tango feels that the 5 worst players should to be fed to actual lions after every loss.  Tango would watch that.

The Clippers?  My friend, this is bad.  How bad do you have to be that you don’t even get your own stadium?  On the list of ‘Fun Things to do in L.A.” the Clippers are dead last, behind a trip to the DMV, mediating a dispute between the Bloods and Crips and Paris Hilton.  It is so bad that instead of parking citations, cops attach ‘mandatory attendance’ Clippers tickets to your windshield.

 

7.  Breast implants

Tango understands the pressure that our women are under to look beautiful, but the most attractive things about a woman are not the physical traits, but it is her God given qualities and the way she carries herself, no?

Do not misunderstand Tango, for a nice set of pillows is a good thing my friend.  But paying some asshole to tear into your flesh and carve you up like a peice of steak, this is not the path to happiness, higher self esteem or a night with Tango. 

Nor is it wise.  For you may have been hoping to look like this:

 

But most times you end up like this:

Or this:

So please.  Follow the advise for Tango.  He has slept with many small chested women.  It is not a bad thing.  Be happy with what you have.  Tango will take care of the rest.

This concludes my list for today.  Please, check back with Tango as this will be updated from time to time with new ‘Very Bad Things’.

Until then, be well my friend.  And remember, if Tango would not approve, do not make the move.

Tango will be pleased.